Saturday, December 19, 2015

One-Sentence Movie Reviews: Bad Xmas movies

Yes I saw Star Wars. No I will not spoil it for you in any way, and not talking about a movie at all is the only way to ensure you don't spoil something.

But then there are other movies that you totally can spoil, because they're pieces of crap. And Christmas movies usually have a special level of crap-titude they can attain, because of the expectation that they always have to end in giant nauseating family get-togethers where everyone loves everyone else, or other such garbage.

Well, Mrs. Chainsword and I have a tradition where we watch a bunch of good Christmas movies on the weekend before and during Christmas, and have a great time getting drunk on spiked apple cider and eggnog while watching Die Hard, Gremlins, Elf, Scrooged, Christmas Story, and Christmas Vacation. However, last night we decided to try out a few other Christmas movies we haven't seen to see if they had what it takes to be added to the list.

Here's the Vorpal Chainsword's "One (run-on) sentence review" of these Christmas movies (all available on Netflix):

A Very Murray Christmas - A (Netflix Original) "Christmas show"-within-a-"Christmas show" where a crotchety Bill Murray laments about the irony of hating Christmas while having to put on a Christmas show, when a bunch of his actor-friends show up to spontaneously and burst into Christmas songs to cheer him up; bask in the glory of writers obviously patting themselves on the back for using the overused premise: "We're pretending to put on a show but we're actually putting on a show! Look at how clever we are!"  
[4 Bah-Humbugs out of 10.]

Writers: "Then we'll get George Clooney to show up, everyone loves George Clooney!"

Christmas with the Kranks - Watch Tim Allen's completely reasonable attempt to skip Christmas one year to save money backfire and cause his overbearing and judgmental neighbors to shame him and terrorize his wife for not participating in their money-grabbing pagan rituals, and eventually end up guilt-tripping him into having a last-minute Christmas party; please note that you're clearly expected to cheer for the witch-hunting neighbors.
[2 Bah-Humbugs out of 10]

The true meaning of Christmas is to just acquiesce to everyone else's demands. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Bad Santa - A accurate and enjoyable reality documentary which follows Billy Bob Thorton around during the Holidays.
[10 Bah-Humbugs out of 10]

Definitely added to the Best Christmas Movies list.
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