Showing posts with label Bad Movie Reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad Movie Reviews. Show all posts

Saturday, March 16, 2019

No Last Jedi at GaryCon 2019


I got to run my "The Last Jedi" replacement Star Wars Saga adventure called NO LAST JEDI at GaryCon last week. I've finally recovered from the Con Crud, so can now do a recap of how it went.

First of all, in case anyone wants to run a game of SW Saga themselves using the new movie's characters, I've uploaded pdfs of the character sheets I made for the game under the Campaign Resources of the Vorpal Chainsword. Second, I uploaded a bunch more pictures from the game people were nice enough to send me under the Gallery section of the site.

The story starts out with essentially the same opening crawl as The Last Jedi. Only in this case Rey has been training with the enigmatic Luke Skywalker for about 3 weeks, but has learned little of his motivations. The game opens with Chewy returning from the Resistance fleet in the Millenium Falcoln with Fin, Poe, and BB-8 in tow (Poe came in on his X-wing). They were sent by order of Princess Leia to plead with Luke to return to the fight with the resistance. The players attempted to convince Luke of the nobility of the cause, but he kept insisting it was too dangerous for everyone if he left. At that point, BB-8 played a holographic message from Princess Leia for him.

"Luke, I beg you to return from exile and rejoin our fight for the resistance. We have lost much since you left, the New Republic all having been wiped out by Starkiller Base before we were able to destroy it. But we have hope yet, as we have learned the secret location of the leader of the First Order, this Lord Snoke. We believe that if we can capture or kill Snoke the First Order will fall and Ben may even return to us. But I know that Snoke is strong in the Dark Side of the Force, and only with your help could we ever hope to prevail, but press on we must. The last remaining ships of the Resistance fleet are amassing for the final assault on his secret headquarters even as I record this message. This BB unit has the coordinates where to meet us. Help us Luke Skywalker, you're our only hope."

(Note: If the Players convinced Luke before playing the hologram then he will fight with them in the upcoming scene and one player can control him. But in this game they did not, and Luke still refused.)

BB-8 revealed that the location is in the Horuset system. At this Luke paled and says "We must stop her!" Just at that moment the sound of a Tie Fighter roared overhead!

(Note: I had a bluetooth speaker setup behind the DM screen and had a Star Wars soundboard loaded up on my phone so I could play sound effects from the movies. The sound of Tie fighters screeching by and blasters and lightsabers crashing together REALLY helps amp up the fun of any Star Wars game)

The Imperials had tracked the heroes to the old Jedi planet (the official name is Ach-To, fyi). The Imperials were now searching the planet for Luke. Now Luke has no choice but to go, so they've got to get back to the Millennium Falcon and Poe's X-Wing, and of course Phasma and a squad of Stormtroopers stand in their way.

(Note: The old Star Wars minis from the Wizards of the Coast line are perfect for the RPG, as they're pre-painted and super durable. I love them. You can still get them from ebay and some miniature websites like coolstuffinc.com.)


They fought their way past Phasma and her stormtroopers. Luke ran off to handle some AT-STs on the other side of the battlefield (if they'd convinced Luke earlier then instead he'd have stayed and helped and BB-8 could've controlled him). One unexpected hilarious moment of the game was that BB-8's player decided to roll around between bushes and ask if there were Porg nest under there. When he found some, he'd shock the Porgs to cause a burst of Porgs out of the bushes, startling nearby Stormtroopers, including Phasma! He even rolled so well on this that a hunting Nexu burst out of the plants intent on eating the Porgs and the Stormtroopers along with them. So the heroes were able to slip by Phasma (who was fighting off the Nexu) and blast their way clear to the Falcon.

Next we had a Starfighter chase scene, where the Falcon and Poe's X-wing were harrassed by Tie Fighters as they tried to break through the blockade surrounding the old Jedi planet. (I used the X-Wing miniatures for this, as they just look awesome.)  Finn and Rey acted as gunners in the Falcoln while Chewy flew, and Poe and BB-8 fought off Ties in the X-Wing. Luke just meditated mysteriously in the X-Wing.

They escaped the blockade and made their way to the Resistance fleet. Here Leia and Luke embraced and Luke explained the plot. Long story short is that Luke actually found Snoke over 5 years ago while he was mopping up Empire remnants and old Sith artifacts with his crew of freshly-trained Padawans (including Ben Solo). They had found some holocrons mapping out some of Palpatine's other projects and were shutting them down before they became a problem for the New Republic. Unfortunately one of those projects was the Tomb of Darth Plagueis, Palpatine's old master. Palpatine couldn't kill Plagueis because Plagueis could jump bodies, and had done so many times before to remain immortal. Plagueis would jump into his Sith Apprentice after he was fully trained but before the Apprentice got wise to him, thus allowing Plagueis to live forever. But Palpatine figured it out, and froze Plagueis in a Force Trap deep within a Sith Tomb on Korriban. This Tomb required Palpatine to occasionally visit and maintain the suspension so Plagueis wouldn't wake up. With Palpatine's death though, it was only a matter of time before Plagueis woke up. Luke learned of Plagueis and took his best Padawans to go shut Plagueis down for good. However Plagueis killed most of his Padawans before Luke could pull some Force magic and block Plagueis's ability to switch bodies within the Force. Ben and Luke then pulled the temple down on Plagueis and barely escaped with their lives. What Luke didn't know was that Plagueis had survived and already put his mark on Ben as his next apprentice, who was grieving from the loss of his friends and vulnerable to the Dark SIde. Eventually Ben turned evil and destroyed the New Jedi Temple, due to whisperings in the Force from Plaegus (also known as "Snoke"), and joined Snoke and helped build the First Order from an Empire remnant fleet.

(That's a lot of exposition! I know, I'm sorry. Now here I really wanted to run through a "Flashback" scene and I had the Sith Tomb map and a handful of 5th level Padawans and Luke ready to go. It would've been cool to let everyone be a Jedi and have a big battle between Plageuis (with some Sith robo-zombies) and the Players as Jedi. But the con game was already running long and time was short (only had 4 hours for the game!) so I just explained all that and moved forward.)

Luke finally explained that if he were to die, Snoke would regain his ability to switch bodies through the Force and would likely immediately take over Kyle Ren/Ben's body, which Kylo certainly wasn't aware of. So Luke had to stay in hiding to study the Jedi texts and figure out how to permanently sever Snoke's connection to the Force before he could take over Kylo Ren's body for good. But he's come out now because of where the Fleet discovered the hidden base, the Horuset system, which is where Korriban (and Plagueis's tomb) are! Luke knows Snoke's tomb is on the planet below them.

At that moment three giant Star Destroyers appeared out of Hyperspace next to the Resistance fleet! Leia commands the ships to jump to hyperspace but there's some kind of Hyperspace Jammer coming from the largest Star Destroyer, blocking their escape. Ackbar turns to the party and says "Its a Trap!" ;)

(So now we've got a Starship-scale battle to fight. I used the Fantasy Flight Armada minis for this as they look awesome. But for the actual battle we focused on the Falcon and Poe, and the other ships we rolled dice for, high/low war-style. It was a simpled D6's for Ties/A-Wings, D8's for X-wings/B-wings/Tie Interceptors. For each grouping we just rolled whoever rolled lower lost a ship (and one die) from the little 3-ship sprues. That way we could know how the general battle was going outside of the close-up battles of the PCs.)

The heroes knew Snoke was on the surface, and wanted to get Luke down there to kill him once and for all. They also knew they should probably stop the Hyperspace Jammer on the main Star Destroyer. AND the X-wings were getting killed out there so they wanted Poe to help in the overall Starship battle. So they decided to DO ALL THREE!

Poe flew out on his X-wing with BB-8, and fought his way to the main Star Destroyer. He then JETTISONED BB-8 into one of the hanger bays of the Star Destroyer! Just, out in space and through the blue shield thing right into a hanger. By himself! Then Poe just flew back into the main battle. So BB-8s goal was to disable the Hyperspace Jammer alone. Hilarious.

Luke, Rey, Chewy and Fin took the Falcon through the starship battle and down to the planet, evading and blasting Tie fighters along the way. Once there, they entered the Sith Tomb. (Chewy used quite a few Force Points on the piloting checks going down, and I just let them find the tomb rather than fight their way up to it).

So we had this three way encounter going on. Poe would blast a Tie or two. The ground heroes engaged Snoke and Kylo Ren and some Imperial Guards, and BB-8 had to bumble his way through the Star Destroyer. That was probably the most fun part of each turn, watching BB-8s player figure out how to trick a Stormtrooper into falling down a chute or electroshock him into tripping and falling. Eventually BB-8's player found a maintenance tunnel and was able to make his way to the Hyperspace Jammer (bypassing a TON of Stormtroopers I had ready to go) and disable it. He then shot himself out the garbage shute and into space. Poe had placed a tracker on him so just picked him up floating out in space mid-battle! It was pretty awesome.

Meanwhile I gave Poe's player Luke to play (the original plan was to allow BB-8's player to play Luke in the final scene, since anyone who had to be BB-8 for the whole game deserved a break, but BB-8 had his own infiltration adventure going on). Luke faced off against Snoke and Kylo with force powers while Rey, Fin, and Chewy took down the imperial guards and robots with their blasters. The Sith Tomb was full of traps and they were careful to move to safe spots during each round. Kylo started throwing Chewy around and so Rey ran up to Kylo to face him one-on-one. This would also allow Luke and Snoke (who were busy throwing pillars and stone coffins at eachother) to face off in lightsaber combat. Unfortunately we ran out of time at the Con and had to leave it on that cliffhanger...

What a game! I have to say, it was so much fun, and the players at GaryCon were some of the best folks to help re-write The Last Jedi into a Star Wars story worthy of the Saga!

Friday, October 13, 2017

Blade Runner 2019-2049

Cyberpunk is the greatest type of Punk.

Steampunk? Victorian mustaches, pocket watches, gears on tophats... Sure, ok, its fine I guess. A little dainty for my taste.

1980's Punk Rock? Yeah, its a little better. Billy Idol, Rancid, Mohawks, spiked bracers, yeah man, sure, I'm into it, but its a little before my time to really appreciate.

But Cyberpunk? Cyberpunk is the shit. Especially chunky-style pre-iphone Cyberpunk. Fifth Element, Neuromancer, Cyberware, noodle bars, asian fusion, drones, flying cars, noir, trenchcoats...I dig it. Now this genre speaks to me a thousand times more than spikey hair-dos or airship monocles.

But most importantly, BLADE RUNNER!


The sequel to Blade Runner just came out, Blade Runner 2049. And let me tell you this: IT DOES NOT DISAPPOINT! This movie is a worthy sequel to the 1982 majesty of Blade Runner. Even with Harrison Ford returning to his original role (which we've come to fear because of Indiana Jones 4 and Star Wars 8), this movie is great. Ryan Gosling is no longer just a piece of eye candy for the ladies now. He's now a legit part of the Cyberpunk genre as one of the coolest Blade Runners to ever take up the badge. Do yourself a favor and go see this movie. Yeah, its three hours long, but the time is well-spent.

You get to see post-apocalyptic Las Vegas, flying cars, and even what anime addiction does to Replicants. Its frickin' rad to the max.

Then listen to me gush about it and try to break down the meanings behind all the little Easter Eggs on the Vorpal Podcast!



Cells within cells within cells. INTERLINKED!

Monday, September 4, 2017

Fawlty (Dark) Towers

So they finally made the Dark Tower movie based on Stephen King's epic saga of dimension-jumping gunslingers, lobster people, billy-bumblers, and psychic kids. It fled across the desert, and the Vorpal Podcast followed.

While I'm a fan of Wizard and Glass and the DT graphic novels and the entire premise of the gunslinger, I read the first book back in about 1853 so I don't trust that I remember quite enough about the Gunslinger's early Saga to compare the new movie to all the actual novels. So we called in a Dark Tower Superfan and unofficial Stephen King expert Craig of Eld to help us out. He laid on us the Easter Eggs he found in this movie that should have fans who originally hated it for not being an absolute recreation of the books to reconsider what they were watching, because [SPOILER ALERT] it turns out it is actually a continuation of the Gunslinger storyline, and takes place after the last book! What what whaaaaat? Listen in and find out why!

So brighten up your Shine and load up your forty-five (Ex)caliber revolvers, its time to talk Gunslinger!




http://vorpalpodcast.com/dark-tower

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Atomic Blondes

New on the Vorpal Podcast: Atomic Suzy is joined by Comic Book Cory to breakdown this Fall-of-the-Berlin-Wall Spy movie (based on a Graphic Novel) and determine whether the 1980's-themed flick is worth its 99 Luftballoons. Pull out your walkman, light up a cigarette, and splice some microfilm because its time to review ATOMIC BLONDE!











Thursday, August 3, 2017

(War for the) Planet of the Apes

"Take your stinking paws off of me, you damn dirty ape!"

I frickin' love Planet of the Apes. Also love the sequel, Beneath the Planet of the Apes. The alien-ness of the world, the intelligent Apes who completely disbelieve in the possibility that humans were once intelligent (and their Orangutan scientists trying to hide any evidence of it), the weird rock buildings that look like anthills, the primitiveness of the technology, the delightful mystery of the "Forbidden Zone", and the general alpha badass-ness of Charlton Heston. All great stuff.

I even played a bit of the old rpg, "Terra Primate" by Eden Studios back in the day. It was an rpg where you could crash-land as an astronaught on future earth, and have exciting adventures as one of the few rare humans that could speak and think logically in a post-APE-pocalyptic society.


Eden Studios are the same folks who also published "All Flesh Must Be Eaten," one of the first, and still one of the best, Zombie Apocalypse RPGs.

But I digress, I'm here to talk about Apes. Planet of the Apes always had a John Carter of Mars vibe for me, with the strange world with alien denizens and super-power(s) granted to the protagonist because they are from a far off place (or time). In this case the "super power" was simply that Charlton Heston can speak and think logically in a world of super dumb humans, rather than leap tall buildings in a single bound like John Carter on Mars, but still it was pretty cool. Its the kind of super power you start to identify with when you're surfing through Twitter or shopping at Walmart.



Then came the sequels... which to put it frankly, are pure garbage.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes - An Austin Powers wanna-be movie where the main apes from the first film go back in time to the swingin' 70s and become celebrities in "modern-day" America. But then are murdered for some reason. Who cares.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes -  A half-ass near-dystopian movie where they begin the process of utterly destroying any wonderment fans may have about how the Apes rose to power. Instead of a long mysterious process of evolution to replace humans who destroyed themselves (that the Statue of Liberty in the first film suggests), the Apes rose up against humans because racism(!). So I guess, the Apes destroyed the statue of liberty? Bah.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes - You're supposed to root for the Apes as they take over the planet, because humans are jerks I guess. Completely destroys any reason that the Apes in Charlton Heston's "future" (the original PotA) would be so against the thought of humans ever have been smart. If the Apes really rebelled and won against a bunch of butthole humans they'd have a holiday about it every year.

The movies then died off for a time, since the studios had squeezed every dime from fans of the subject by releasing worse and worse movies. But now they've rebooted it! And its somehow even MORE depressing!

Planet of the Apes (2001 Remake) - Marky Mark is an astronaught who does the time portal thing and lands in Ape-ville. Great costumes and special effects, but completely lacks the points of the original that make it so great. Future humans can still all speak, making Marky Mark's limited vocabulary just as useless as it is now. Plus the twist at the end is...Ape-raham Lincoln? Ugh. Still, I liked it better than the latest Trilogy.

Rise of, Dawn of, and War for the Planet of the Apes. More Apes vs. Humans uprising prequelness that I can barely give a crap about. Its like they're stretching out the painful over-explanation of how the Apes rose up, which is like the least interesting part of the whole genre.


But I watched them, because my co-hosts JC and Jillian on the latest episode of the Vorpal Podcast desperately wanted to talk about the latest movie, War for the Planet of the Apes. They're actually fans of these Attack of the Clones-worthy prequels. How?! Why?! It completely boggles the mind.

So if you feel like hearing me lament the lost promise of these movies (and mock co-host JC's evidently terrible taste in sci-fi), check out the latest Planet of the Apes episode of the Vorpal Podcast (with special guest-host Jillian). We slash our way through every single one of the Apes movies from 1968 on, and vehemently disagree on most everything about these latest Ape-stallments to the filmography.



http://vorpalpodcast.com/planet-of-the-apes


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Batman Movies

In a special extended edition of the Vorpal Podcast, Batman correspondent Paul of Gotham joins us in the studio to cover everything we all need to know about Batman in Cinema.

We light up the Bat-Signal for Michael Keaton Batman, Val Kilmer Batman, George Clooney Batman, Christian Bale Batman, Ben Batfleck Batman, and even the late Adam West Batman! Its an episode bat-freaks and DC fans do not want to miss!

Holy movie marathon, Batman!



http://vorpalpodcast.com/rss

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Spiderman Homecoming

Hey there Spider-fans! Your favorite wall-crawler is back in a brand new adventure. This time our web-slinging hero is up against the nefarious Vulture, who's gun-running criminal empire threatens the entire eastern seaboard, not least of which contains Spidey's own neighborhood! So put on your webshooters and give a listen as Cory, JC, and Suzy discuss the web-headed antics of SPIDERMAN HOMECOMING! Excelsior!





Thursday, July 6, 2017

Go Go Power Rangers


The Power Rangers: A show from the 90's where high school kids find magic belt buckles that enable them to turn into ninja warrior dinobot robo-pilots. Yes, it was a strange decade, the 90's, yet I still look back on it fondly. It was back when they still made low-budget live-action sci-fi shows, and not everything sci-fi or comedy on TV had to be done with bad animation. Instead stories could still be told through the medium of bad acting. Truly the halcyon days.


via GIPHY

Power Rangers was a cross between Saved by the Bell and some Japanese Game Show that you accidentally stumble across after midnight while watching cable. Five very American hip kids with tight-rolled jeans, oversized cut-off sweatshirts and half-undone overalls would discuss some issue at school about bullies, and then a floating head would summon them to a giant spaceship and inform them that aliens were attacking, and then the kids would morph into a Japanese Action Monster Movie. You would then watch motorcycle helmet-wearing colorful ninjas fight guys in rubber suits somewhere in a California desert for the next twenty minutes. You wouldn't see the kids outside of their ninja fighting suits and helmets again until the credits were about to roll, and whenever they spoke the helmeted ninja would move his or her arms around really flamboyantly so the viewer could tell who was supposed to be speaking. It was fairly ridiculous yet pretty fun to watch back in the day.

So this year they released a Power Rangers reboot movie, and a couple of the folks who listen to the Vorpal Podcast asked us to review it so they could hear our take. Since it was only in theaters for about a week before it went to video (which ...should've been a warning I now realize), Suzy and I decided to just rent it and do a live podcast review it immediately after watching it. Its fair to say we both were ready to Morph into rock monsters and join Rita Repulsa by the time this movie finally finished.

I'm just going to go ahead and tell you, this movie did not have nearly enough Power Rangerin' in it. Plenty of teenager angst, but very little Mighty or Morphin at all. They also make it super clear this movie was heavily sponsored by Krispy Kreme. It was like Mac and Me, except without the cute little Coke-drinking alien who makes you want to keep watching.

GO GO POWER RANGERS!

VORPAL PODCAST: POWER RANGERS (LIVE)

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Transformers 5 - Written by No One

So just finished watching and recording a podcast review for TRANSFORMERS:THE LAST KNIGHT, and I am just going to say, this has to be the worst Michael Bay movie yet. I can't imagine how a giant-budget movie like this got green-lit, and I'm a guy that actually enjoyed Suicide Squad when I saw it in the theater.

Don't get me wrong, I don't automatically hate Michael Bay movies. I loved the first Transformers, and the second Turtles movie was pretty good too. But there is a storytelling and visual style that Michael Bay is known for, and that is usually ridiculously big explosions and effects (good) but silly or inconsistent plot writing and characters (not as good). Still, if you promise you'll show me Optimus Prime punching a giant bug-robot in the face, then I'll forgive a lot of plot holes and silliness. But this movie did not have enough robot fights or explosions to overcome the stupidity of the characters and plot and whatever the hell was supposed to be happening on screen. Not even close.

It turns out that forgiveness only goes so far. THE LAST KNIGHT far. If Michael Bay was for some reason secretly trying to actually torpedo the Transformers property, well then he couldn't have done a better job.




Thursday, June 8, 2017

Wonder Woman - Vorpal Podcast

By Hera! Wonder Woman is finally here to save the DC Cinematic Universe! Cory, Suzy, and JC get pull out their bracers of deflection and review the Heroine from Paradise Isle. So grab your shield and unhook your lasso, because these superhero fanatics are about to drop some serious truth about Wonder Woman!



http://vorpalpodcast.libsyn.com/website/wonder-woman

Friday, May 12, 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 - Vorpal Podcast

In this episode a rag-tag group of ne'er do-wells come together to talk about the much-anticipated Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2! How does it hold up to other Marvel movies? Is baby Groot as adorable as promised? Who the hell are the gold people? We know the answers to none of those questions, and more! But we wildly confabulate none the less, and have a great time doing it. So come on over and give a listen while Cory, Suzy, and JC cut Guardians of the Galaxy down to size!

BONUS: If you love rocketships, space, and sci-fi as much as we do, check out our brand new rocket-paced, rotating-space station boardgame: CHRONOMEGA, created by your podcast hosts at Vorpal Chainsword Games, on Kickstarter now!




Thursday, May 4, 2017

Iron Fist - Vorpal Podcast

Cory and Suzy of the Vorpal Podcast are joined by Iron Fist expert Chad Parish of the Dead Games Society podcast to review Netflix's newest Marvel street-level superhero: Iron Fist! Clear your mind and summon up your Chi for this special extended Kung Fu Netflix edition of the Vorpal Podcast!


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The Fate of the Furious - Vorpal Podcast

Its time to downshift into gear and check out the latest episode of the Vorpal Podcast, because THE F8 OF THE FURIOUS is going to blow your gaskets off. Furious Suzy educates Cory and JC on the rich saga that is the Fast franchise. The three also discuss the finer details of this cinematic masterpiece, such as how in the world do you remotely hack and drive a submarine with an ipad? SHUT UP! DOESN'T MATTER! HIT THE NITROUS!




Vorpalpodcast.com

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Vorpal Podcast - Favorite Movies

On this episode of the Vorpal Podcast, Cory, Suzy, and JC watch each other's favorite movies, and review their co-hosts' terrible taste in film. Its a three-for-one review of some cinema classics!

  Each Co-Host's Favorite Movie:

Cory: Army of Darkness

Suzy: He's Just Not That Into You

JC: The Princess Bride

 


www.vorpalpodcast.com

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Ghost in the Shell Review

On this episode of the Vorpal Podcast the dillettante, the dancer, and the dungeon master hack back into the matrix to see what the newest live-action cyberpunk movie, Ghost in the Shell, can teach us about humanity. Turns out: not much. But there is an assassin droid in a Scarjo body if that trips your trigger.



Thursday, March 23, 2017

Kong: Skull Island Review

On the latest episode of the Vorpal Podcast Suzy and I are joined by my Vorpal Chainsword Games partner-in-crime JC to discuss giant Apes fighting Samuel L Jackson on an island that leads into the Hollow Earth. My money's on Jules!



You can also listen on iTunes.

www.vorpalpodcast.com

Saturday, March 18, 2017

The Vorpal Podcast Issue#1 - LOGAN

Hey hey hey! We've launched a new Podcast here at the Vorpal Chainsword Network. Its called the Vorpal Podcast and its all about discussing comic book and sci-fi movies and arguing about their place in the greater pantheon of important topics. Such as the ongoing argument of whether Marvel is better than DC (its not, but don't tell that to my co-hosts).

http://vorpalpodcast.com/rss

The first Issue of the Vorpal Podcast sees myself @VorpalC and my co-host @Suzapaloozah reviewing the New Old Wolverine movie - Logan.




Should you go see Logan?
Yes!
Should you listen to the podcast afterward to see if we noticed the same stuff you did?
Yes!
Should you consider the implications of the Logan storyline and its ramifications on the greater Marvel Cinematic Universe?
...Well, no, probably not. Its pretty standalone.

SNIKT!

http://vorpalpodcast.com/vorpal-podcast-issue-1

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Wonder Woman and Justice League!

I'm a rabid DC comics fan. Its no secret. (Green Lantern especially, but we're going to talk movies here so I'm not going to go into that).

The point is: Marvel (Disney) has been dominating the superhero movie scene, with DC trying to play catch-up. Fortunately, looks like things have finally started to turn around for us Justice League fans.

At Comic Con they just released the trailers for Wonder Woman and Justice League, and they look great! (well, at least the Wonder Woman one does. I'm still going to try and stay optimistic about Justice League though.)

Wonder Woman


Justice League


Saturday, December 26, 2015

1SMR: Bad Xmas Movies III

The Christmas movie marathon continues! This is turning out to be the longest holiday weekend ever. Here's some more one-sentence movie reviews: Xmas edition...

Elf - An abandoned child is kicked out of his adoptive sweatshop home and sent to live with his distant biological father when its determined that he can't work as quickly or as efficiently as the oppressed native workforce.
[8 bottles of spaghetti syrup out of 10]
Elvish upbringing grants Weapon Proficiency: Snowball and Resistance to Diabetes.


A Christmas Story - The classic movie that taught children everywhere the dangers of licking cold flagpoles and the value of a reliable firearm.
[9 eyes shot out of 10]
Ralphie was right to be terrified of the all-knowing and all-powerful Mall Santa Claus.


Love Actually - Sheriff Rick Grimes falls in love with his best friend's fiance and Professor Snape wants to cheat on his wife with a younger woman; in this British rom-com that's somehow considered a great date movie.
[4 washed-up rockers out of 10]
We can't save the people of Alexandria, but we can save...our Love.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

1SMR: Bad Xmas Movies II

Its the official week of the Magic Baby Solstice, and that means more Xmas movies! Here's some more 1-sentence movie reviews (1SMR) for Xmas movies we watched this week.

Die Hard II: Die Harder - More explosions, meaner bad guys, porcelain guns, snowmobile chases, icicle-stabbings, and actual snow; this Die Hard is far superior over the original Die Hard as a Christmas movie, though no one will admit it because it lacks a Hans Gruber.
[9 Glock 7's (which costs more than you make in a month!) out of 10]
Way more Christmasy than any party at Nakatomi Plaza.

Gremlins - Watch a supernaturally cute creature cause the deaths of dozens of people and destroy an entire town on Christmas, only to safely go back home and not be held accountable in any way.
[7 Barbie RC Car Jumps out of 10]

Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds...tee hee hee!

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid teach us the true meaning of Christmas, which involves kidnapping rich people so you can yell at them just because you failed to properly budget your finances.
[8 full sh*ters out of 10]
Hey, when its full, its full!